You trust and you give, because your heart tells you to, even though what you see tells you otherwise. Perhaps it’s an act of foolishness. Or perhaps, you’re taking a big leap of faith. After all, I think that when you expect the best out of people, they usually will live up to it. Or so I hope, because really, how do you protect yourself from getting hurt or heart broken? 

Modesty and humility have always been deemed to be admirable and attractive qualities in my book. I tend to steer away from men who brag, whether it’s his education, intelligence or his possessions. Really, I don’t care about the car you drive, the content of your wallet, or the size of your house. I’m not impressed. As they always say, empty vessels make the loudest noise. That is, the more you brag about yourself, the less I think you have. Money can buy you lots of things, but apparently, it can’t buy you class.

Studies show that it takes less than a second for us to decide whether we’re physically attracted to someone or not. Furthermore, we size up a potential romantic partner within the first three minutes of talking to him/her. Where am I going with this? Yes, you guessed it – I’m talking about the phenomenon of love at first sight.

Love at first sight is when you meet you someone for the first time, and instantly have romantic attraction and passion for them. Does it exist? Do I believe in it? Perhaps. Why not? Don’t you love the idea that you could meet someone tomorrow, and she/he could be the love of your life? Call me crazy, unrealistic or impractical, but I think it’s quite romantic. I’d like to think that it’s possible for two people to fall in love the moment they lay eyes on each other, and instantly know that they’re meant for each other. Is that too absurd? Too out of this world? Sometimes, things happen without rhyme or reason, and love at first sight could be one of those things.

Is love at first sight enough to last a lifetime? Only time and commitment will tell. I think love at first sight is different from the deep and intense love you develop from knowing a person inside out over the years, and having shared experiences. But then again is that what true love is or is it just a form of mutual attachment and interdependence developed over time, which has nothing to do with love? Hmmm…that’ll be another entry for another day.

   “We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.” – Fydor Dostoevsky

People say perception is reality. What you see is what your heart desires. Perhaps that’s been the case since day one. I only saw what I wanted to see and believe, and the reality is…there was no reality. Everything was all part of an illusion, a figment of my hopeless imagination.

Writing has always been my personal therapy. I write and write until I’m not sad anymore, until it heals my wounds, and makes me feel better. It’s the only place where I don’t hold back, and let go of all my emotional turmoil and trouble. Writing gives me comfort when I’m broken, lifts me up when I’m down, and empowers me when I’m weak. While writing can be therapeutic and soothing, it makes me feel vulnerable at the same time- defenseless and exposed.

Although my writing is often saturated and filled with ambiguity, I can’t help but feeling exposed, revealing myself to people, and letting them see the emotional, fragile side of me. My emotions and thoughts are out in the open, disrobed, and helpless. To me, writing is like falling in love, fun and exhilarating, but it also makes you put yourself on the line and wear your heart on your sleeve, leaving you feeling unguarded and unprotected at the mercy of the person you love.

Metaphor and ambiguity have always been my best friends when it comes to writing, but recently, I wrote about something that’s very dear and personal to me in great detail. There were unresolved feelings floating around within myself so I decided to write to sort things through, and put a rest to it. It has gone on long enough. Writing about it was a big leap out of my comfort zone, and it made me feel vulnerable, like I’m bare naked, stripped off my armors, putting myself on a pedestal and subjecting myself to people’s critical judgement and assumptions. That made me nervous, almost as if I’m standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me…It was my first time writing about my personal life, and it will also be the last time…My first, my last and my final tribute to losses and broken dreams – a broken relationship.

Sometimes, what keeps two people apart is also what draws them together. Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it, and reality may turn out to be not what you expected.

“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.” – The Dalai Lama

Why do we always want what we can’t have? Why do we always go for what we know is bad for us? Why do we eat the extra slice of cake knowing we’ll pay for the price of it later on the treadmill? Why do we fall for people we barely know, knowing the risk of it all? Why do we love what’s not ours to love? Do we not care about the consequences of our action?

Life pulled you in many directions that you didn’t anticipate. You got a taste of life. You gained some self-awareness. You stopped going through life thinking that things happen to you. You stopped blaming people around you – your ex, your boss, friends, etc. You finally saw the role you played in what happened to you.

Your perspective, outlook and mindset in life have changed dramatically in a few short years. When you were 21, you thought you’d be in love forever, and that love would conquer all. Fast forward to a few years later, you’re happy, but forever’s not so long and dreams only exist to get you through the days. When you were younger, you used to think that things would work out on their own. You would have a career, a family, health, a life, simply because you showed up. Now that you’re older, you realize that these things only happen (or will happen) because you make them happen.  You’ve shifted from thinking that there is “you” and there is “the world” to thinking and believing that YOU ARE the world, and any changes you want to see in the world, either your personal world, or the world at large, must come through your actions.

There are good days and there are bad days. And then there are those days where you just want to curl up in a ball, break down and cry. Your chest clenches in pain. You sob and you whimper like a lost child. Your body shakes with all the emotions that you’ve been fighting to keep inside. You cry because you can’t take it anymore and you just have to release the burden in your heart. You cry until there are no tears left, and you no longer have the energy to do anything except passing out on your bed. You get a good night of sleep and tomorrow will just be another day.